A writer recently cited the 3 a.m. phone-call scenario launched by the Clinton campaign.

Clinton isn't my first choice, but wouldn't it be terrific if we elected a president who was capable of communicating with world leaders -- those who agree with us, and those who don't -- to calm things down across the globe so we can all get a good night's sleep? My grandsons are the most charming, gregarious little chaps I know -- in part because they're in the sack at 8 p.m.!

Even those who hate America simply because we insist on building a military base or a Pizza Hut on every street corner throughout the world need a good night's rest. Maybe we should spread Tylenol PM or Lunesta in Iraq instead of democracy, which seems hard for them to swallow anyhow.

Then again, men seem to be incredibly happy and able to have wicked good fun together kayaking and riding around in windy convertibles after they take Flomax. I'll bet those guys are rested!

When we hear the term "political unrest" -- I think it refers to world leaders staying up all night to think up rotten things to do in the morning. Like Vice President Dick Cheney -- nap time, dude -- pop some Flomax! Then again, President Bush is noted for his naps. Unfortunately, he's always had trouble waking up to reality -- which is apparently why the presidency now requires someone who's rested and ready to rumble at 3 a.m.

Buddy Doyle

Gardiner