Down East Magazine has ruined my summer.

"15 Small Town Getaways" was the colorful front-page headline in Down East' s April edition. I ripped the magazine open to page 76 to see the list of getaway towns and nearly fell to the floor. The world went dark. My town of Mount Vernon has been discovered.

Down East encouraged vacationers to "Step Out In Stonington, Birdwatch in Jonesport, Go Yachting in York Harbor, Get Historical in Fort Kent, Rough It in Kokadjo," and, to my great dismay, "Take It Slow in Mount Vernon."

I could not believe what I was reading in this Camden-based magazine, heretofore one of my favorites.

After mentioning the thousands of summer tourists that flock to the Belgrade Lakes, it said they often miss Mount Vernon, a small town, without crowds, nestled against Flying Pond and Parker Pond.

Sure, we didn't have crowds, until Down East spilled the beans.

The magazine article revealed details about Shop at the Corner and Lakeside Serendipity, two stores in the village that sell unique, Maine- made products and collectibles, respectively. If the kids get bored with "the relaxing pace of this quaint village," Down East said a trip to D.E.W. Animal Kingdom exotic animal farm might be in order.

May you get eaten by a lion! And we are not quaint!

I will prove it by looking up the definition. My dictionary defines quaint as -- oh, oh, maybe they got this right -- "strikingly old fashioned" or "unusual or different in character." Guilty as charged! We're quaint and ain't we some proud of it!

The magazine article also exposed the Lakeside Loft, "a charming bed-and-breakfast right on the shore of Minnehonk Lake that provides canoes and kayaks for guests," and The Olde Post Office Café, which can put up picnic supplies.

That does it! I won't be able to get a table anymore at Maine's best café. Oh, how I will miss those delectable sandwiches and pastries and the best coffee in 100 miles and that Saturday night live music and, and, oh, I just can't stand it.

And kayaks and canoes will be traveling -- by the hundreds probably -- across Minnehonk Lake and right down Hopkins Stream beside my house. Can someone tell me where to buy underwater explosives?

Dear former friends at Down East Magazine. Cancel my subscription. And don't even think about coming to town. The café is packed. You can no longer get a room at the Loft (and we never should have let Wayne turn Ray Neal's old garage into such a charming place).

And D.E.W's wild ravenous beasts all got loose and are roaming the fields and forests. They're angry. And hungry.

Surely Camden has enough restaurants, gift shops and quaintness to keep you folks busy all summer.

We are familiar with your "Peyton Place" reputation. That ought to be enough to keep you to home. Nothing like that happens in Mount Vernon. At least, we don't make a movie out of it.

When do the tourists start coming? I hear they come earlier and earlier every year -- something to do with global warming. This is important. I need to head to camp before they arrive here.

If Down East ever mentions the northern Maine lake my camp is on, I will personally lead a brigade to take their tourist-loving headquarters in Camden and turn it into a wine-bar -- a quaint wine bar.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. My eyes drift to the bottom of the front page of that same Down East edition. Oh no!

"Rangeley's Legendary Lakes -- Discover Maine's Best Fishing," trumpets the headline. It's a "Special 12-page Section."

Is nothing sacred! My beloved Kennebago River, just an hour from here and a favorite fishing spot. Upper Dam. Lakewood Camps' charming and isolated lodge on the Rapid River, home to Maine's biggest wild brook trout. Down East names names. They give directions!

Darn these people! Can't they catch enough mackerel and striped bass on the Camden coast? We don't need more tourist anglers on my favorite Rangeley waters.

Hold on. Another of the magazine's headlines grabs my attention. "Baldacci's Secret Garden."

Aha! It's secret no more, governor! For inviting these nosy people from Down East into your garden, may the tourists trample your tasty tomatoes and take some of your precious peppers home as souvenirs.

The tourists are coming. I'm retreating to the north woods. Have a great summer.

George Smith is executive director of the Sportsman's Alliance of Maine. He lives in Mount Vernon and can be reached at george@samcef.org.