It's high school graduation time, which means speeches from an important person wearing a funny hat and standing behind a lectern. No one invited us to give a graduation speech, but this is what we'd say if we were invited:

"Dear graduates,

1. Because you are 18 and full of yourself, and we are old and gray, you will ignore everything we say today.

2. But you're sitting there with nothing else to do, so you may as well keep your ears open.

3. That means taking the I-Pod buds out of them.

4. Sex, drugs, Amy Winehouse, American Idol, the Jonas Brothers and MTV's The Hills. Oh, and Madonna, Tila Tequila and Justin Timberlake.

5. We're not allowed to talk about those things at a high school graduation, but maybe now I at least have your attention for a moment.

6. If you wasted your high school years by getting by on the least amount of study, didn't join any clubs or play any sports and just "hung" -- all is not lost.

Tomorrow, you can cast off that identity and start again because the people at the next place you go -- college, a job, the service -- don't know that about you. You have a chance to make a second first impression -- don't blow it.

7. If you made the most of your high school years -- well, you're not like us. But we still like you. You can put your I-Pod buds back in you ears.

8. This is more for the parents: The worst is probably over. You won't believe how nice and considerate your annoying kids will be in about five years. You'll not only love them -- you'll even like them.

9. Graduates -- don't pay any attention to adults who tell you that you have to save the world, or the world is your oyster or any other grand platitude. Resolve now to listen respectfully to what we tell you (because that's good manners), but make up your own damn mind.

10. See No. 1.