As long as we’ve played sports, we’ve talked trash. Five minutes after the first Olympics started, there was a javelin thrower talking smack. Yeah, it was probably along the lines of, “If Odysseus threw like you, he’d never have escaped from the cyclops Polyphemus,” but it was trash talk nonetheless.
Leap forward a few thousand years to Miami Dolphins linebacker Joey Porter, and his rants from last week. “Never really too much cared for New England,” Porter said in an interview with the NFL Network. “Still don’t care for New England. The hate’s been there for a while, especially after all the cheating they did back in the day.”
The hate evidently disrupted Porter’s ability to do his job, because he finished Sunday’s 27-17 loss to the Patriots with zero tackles. After the game, he slunk out of the Miami locker room like a muted weasel, without speaking to the media.
There’s nothing wrong with smack talk. Just be prepared to eat crow when it blows up in your face.
Most of the time smack talk is good-natured and goes back and forth. Muhammad Ali was the master of this, telling an opponent how, and sometimes when, he would win the fight. It’s been said Larry Bird would tell defenders exactly where on the court he was going to shoot the ball, then beg the opposing coach to find somebody who could guard him.
Bird even declared victory in the 1986 NBA 3-point shooting contest before he had even taken the court. Bird announced to the assembled collection of all-stars that they were all competing for second place. As he took his last shot, Bird raised his index finger, declaring himself No. 1. Then the shot went in.
That moment is still the gold standard in smack talk.
A good trash talker tries to be funny, like Cincinnati Bengals wide receiver Chad Ochocinco, or speaks in complete hyperbole. In high school, a friend of mine tried to psyche out the competition just before he ran a 100-meter dash.
“See this leg?” he said, tapping his knee. “It’s wooden.”
The other guy can’t run if he’s laughing too hard to get in the blocks, right?
Smack talk can take the form of a well-timed comeback line. My brother Keith tells one of the all-time best comeback line stories.
In November 1999, Keith was playing offensive guard for Mt. St. Joseph Academy in the Vermont Division I high school football championship game against Middlebury. MSJ running back Mike Hackett came out a pile shaking his hand. Somebody had stepped on it during the play.
A Middlebury player feigned concern.
“Poor baby,” he said. “Want me to kiss your boo-boo?”
“Nah,” Hackett replied. “You can kiss my trophy after the game.”
MSJ won the game 26-6. I have no idea if the Middlebury player ever got his kiss.
Sports is supposed to be fun. We lose sight of that sometimes. A little trash talk reminds us not to take ourselves too seriously. And it’s fun when a blowhard like Porter is left speechless.

Travis Lazarczyk — 861-9242
tlazarczyk@centralmaine.com