Monday, August 06, 2007
Editor’s Note: Sixth in a series of columns about one woman’s journey through the often-scary world of breast cancer diagnosis and treatment.
I had almost accepted my new status as a breast cancer patient. I say “almost” because it still seemed a little unreal to me. Two months ago, I was healthy (I thought) and my life finally was headed in a good direction. Then, Wham!
Surgery was scheduled for the next day, and, after I took my shower, I took a really long look at myself in the mirror. I tried to imagine what I would look like after surgery. It was difficult.
I was fairly large-breasted, but my chest sort of balanced out my ever-expanding belly (post-menopausal belly fat, not acquired by drinking beer.) Without that balance, I thought, I’m not going to be just pear-shaped, I’m going to really look like a pear.
I have to admit that until the day before surgery, I hadn’t shed any tears about my condition. I don’t know why; I certainly knew it was going to be life-changing, but somehow it was almost as if I were going through this whole experience in the third person. It was happening to me, but it seemed as if I were a spectator to my own life.
That night, though, I did break down and shed a few tears — for the death of the life I had B.C. (before cancer). Not only the way I would look, but also the way people might look at me: “Poor woman, she has cancer, you know.”
I have always been a strong, independent woman and pity is the last emotion I want directed my way. I vowed then and there that I wasn’t going to let this disease get me down. I not only would beat it physically, but mentally and emotionally, too. Other people lose limbs to accidents or wars; this is just my loss in the war against cancer. More visible than some losses, but much less than others.
I started listing the benefits to surgical removal of both breasts:
1. I never have to buy another bra (in fact, I plan to have a bra-burning party when all this is over).
2. I will never have to have another mammogram (nothing left to X-ray, after all).
3. I’ll be able to hug other people much more closely after surgery.
4. If I ever take up jogging, I won’t have to hold them down or worry about them hitting me in the eyes.
5. I’ll have an immediate 5-pound weight loss.
Tears shed, sense of humor intact. I was ready.
Stephanie Law is a copy editor at the newspaper and lives in Sabattus
NEXT: Surgery
Contact Stephanie Law by e-mailing: doverfox51@midmaine.com
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